Stuff!!

It is suggested that visitors be limited during the time of transition upon arrival home. Visitors should be limited to the "inner circle"- people that will be directly involved in child's life should visit (ie grandparents who will be involved in childs daycare, brothers, sisters, close Aunt,etc.) When they do visit, the parent should hold her, not play "pass the baby". The purpose is that the child understands who is the primary caretaker.

Sleep issues:as a child is adjusting to a new home, attachment is promoted by comforting her as she transitions to sleep. This may include allowing a child to sleep with parents or to sleep in parent's room in a portable crib. They are still grieving the loss of their home & as the parents provide emotional support needed-- the cycle of attachment is further enforced & trust is promoted. Most important is to be flexible & respond to her when she cries.

A child that is adopted cannot be spoiled while in this transition phase. Attachment takes time. Adopted children do not have the same "rite of initiation" that biological children do to the attachment process. By this, it is meant that bio children have learned when she cries, parents feed her,change her, soothe them, respond to their needs & this is done over & over. It is through this process that a child attaches to their bio parents. Adopted children need to learn this attachment
with their new parents.

Your child may be withdrawn after arrival into your home. Many act as though a parent had died. Some are shy, bewildered, & fear the unknown that surrounds them. Others are passive, not only from such fear, but often from being institutionalized. Many who have come from an orphanage don't yet know how to be spontaneous or even how to interact on a normal level. Your new child may simply distrust you, despite your kindness. The child has probably aleady met kind people before: in the orphanage, in a foster home. These people may have been kind, but they were the ones who sent the child away. Kindness may represent deciet as well as impermanence.

The key here is to let child become comfortable with new surroundings while becoming accustomed to your presence. For as long as necessary, expose child to as few new people as possible. Let child become aquainted with new family 1st, then gradually widen social circle as child allows.

Some have responded to new people while recoiling from a certain member of family. This is especially painful for rejected person. The child, needing affection & security, tries to simplify the new environment as much as possible by relating with only a few people.

They may cry uncontrollably at times, for no apparent reason (sudden memories come back to them). Some cry, although apparently asleep! Parents or older sibling should try holding the child over their shoulder (not look directly at him), walking around, rocking, singing quiet songs, listening to soft & quiet music, gentle back-rubs, lying down with child, etc. & have lots of patience.

Practical Hints to help with adjustment of adopted foreign-born children:

1st meeting:

Prepare for child's reaction of being frightened & unresponsive, or overly excited & hyperactive.
Contact with caretaker should end as soon as tactfully possible.
Keep the meeting low key.
Don't cuddle, put your face close to child, or hug & kiss excessively.

At home:

If you feel it is important to change child's name, consider giving an American first name & keeping child's name as middle name. Later, the child can choose.
Adoption agencies urge a leave of absence for new mothers of up to 6 months in order to foster bonding to new parents.
Avoid big family parties, overnight vacation trips, big changes in daily routines or foods.
He must be allowed to grieve & be comforted while he does. There is little parents can do to help the infant who is grieving except give comfort & support. This may mean a lot of rocking & walking the floors, even though it may not seem to be doing much to soothe baby. Doing so not only lets the infant express grief, but it shows that this is an adult she can count on in times of distress.

Effects of long term institutionalization on Children

The chance of an institutionalized child being completely normal on arrival in your home is essentially zero. The vast majority of toddlers who started out as normal infants have the potential to recover from institutionalization, once they are with adoptive parents who provide intensive loving interaction & any outside help they may require.

Even the best orphanages cannot provide children with the same food, attention, or stimulation as a family. Most will seem very small & thin for their age, & nearly all will be behind in their language & motor skills. Most children make tremendous gains in growth & development during the 1st years with their adoptive families.

We read about attachment problems, but a child this age is much more likely to exhibit a delay in attachment, or an initial resistance to being held & cuddled, rahter than a full-fledged attachment disorder. This is generally reversible once child has been taught to attach to his new parents.

Hold & touch your child as much as possible. If she seems uncomfortable with this at 1st, keep trying, releasing him a few seconds after he resists.

Go to him when he cries, even at night. This is not spoiling him, but rather teaching him that he can depend on you, which will make him less demanding.

A child's attachment to new parents doesn't happen overnight. Affection & positive behavior are learned over time.

Take your child with you anywhere you go if he's not yet ready to be away from you. Never leave her when she is asleep.