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The Chinese dont love their girls!
Yes they do! Most cherish their little girls. Prior to the implementation of the population control policy
of ‘one child’ (2 in the country or for minorities) in 1980, the average family had 6 children... Only after the
policy was put into place were baby girls relinquished in large numbers. There are complex issues surrounding having
a son in China.
Boys can work the fields & produce more than girls can. Since there is no social security system in China parents rely on their grown sons to take care of them
in their old age. The daughters go with their husbands &help take care of HIS family.
“You
are wonderful for what you are doing.”
Although people mean
well when they tell us that what we are doing is “wonderful”, we do not feel that we are. Quite simply,
we want another child & this child needs parents. Being adoptive parents is no more “wonderful”
than being biological parents. And when you take into consideration the fact that we are removing this baby from her
culture, her race and bringing her into a minority situation, it's not really as "wonderful" as people like to claim.
“She’s lucky you guys are adopting her.”
Hey, we like to think that ANY child would be lucky to have us as parents, but she didn’t
ask to be adopted, She didn’t ask to be taken away from her birth family and her native country. She probably
won’t feel very ‘lucky’ and she probably won’t thank us. Just like biological kids, WE feel
lucky to be chosen to be her parents.
"How could any mother abandon
her child?"
We have no desire in our hearts to pass judgment on the birthmother – we have only compassion for
the woman who left her child somewhere she would be found. Women in China
do not have the luxury of making an adoption plan for their daughter – it is illegal. They do the best they can. Many
American moms are noticing that their new daughters from China
have some sort of small scar or identifying mark on their arm or behind their ear that their mother may have left in a desperate
attempt to insure that if one day they see each other again she can positively identify her daughter... Also, there are times
when the father or the father's family take the child and leave her somewhere while the mother is busy working, etc.
It is not always the mother that leaves the child. This is a very complex issue - one I don't fully understand - and
as Americans, we cannot grasp the situation fully.
“There are so many kids
that need homes HERE. Why not adopt from the USA?”
I have been asked this one a lot.
Usually I give the short, simple and true answer:
"We researched that choice
first!”
Have you completed a sucessful adoption from our system?
But if you really want to know some of the many more complicated reasons why we wouldn’t adopt domestically...
There are two main ways of adopting a child in the US:
Through "the system" and directly from a birth mother.
1. The "System"
It is all but impossible to find a healthy infant through the foster care system. Even if you try to adopt an
older and/or special needs child it can be difficult.
2. The second way would be to go directly to a birth mother through an
agency
In a nutshell: There are MANY more people interested in adopting than there are healthy babies. It is VERY difficult
to find a healthy infant and quite often birthmothers change their minds. This is after you have paid the birth mother's
expenses - and you don't get a dime of it back when she changes her mind. Lots of time wasted, money gone and
broken hearts.
Following are some of the main reasons why we wouldn't consider domestic adoption:
COMPETITION
We don’t feel like being game show contestants to sell ourselves to a birthmother, set up a toll free hotline
in our home and compete against other families for the same child... It can be a long, expensive & unpredictable
ordeal that many times doesn't end up with an adoption.
CHANGE OF HEART
The most important difference is that with a domestic adoption the birth mother can change her mind. Or the
birth father can show up years later and say he didn’t know that the child was his. A recent Barbara Walters show on
adoption said that nearly 40% of woment change their mind after delivery & decide to keep the child. Since it is
illegal to place your child for adoption in China, our daughter is considered an orphan & we will legally be her
parents from the 1st day we hold her. No one can come for her months or years from now.
HEALTH OF THE CHILD
In rural china it is rare that a pregnant woman would use cigarettes, alcohol or drugs during a pregnancy. Keep in
mind that the vast majority of these pregnancies were WANTED; they were just unable to keep the child if it turned out to
be a girl. Therefore you have a large number of perfectly healthy infant girls up for adoption.
BIRTH PARENTS RIGHTS/DEMANDS
A
woman making an adoption plan for her child in the US typically has many parents vying for her child & therefore iis
in the 'driver's seat' so to speak. This enables her to make demands as to how much access she & her family will
have to the child after placement. Many times she would like to still be an integral part of the child's life. Although, we
would like to think that we could handle that, we can't guarantee that our relationship with the birthfamily wouldn't change
over time. We know that this would not be an option for many of the other prospective adoptive families we have spoken with,
they said that they could not handle having the birthfamily active in their daily lives.
PREDICTABILITY
Quite
simply with China, if you pass their rigorous &grueling screening :) (the paperchase) you WILL get a child. The process
is very predictable & relatively smooth. So far everyone we have dealt
with has been professional & supportive - EXCEPT Omaha's finest - our own police.
“How much did she cost?”
We
are not “buying” a baby. We are paying fees for finding our daughter, her care for the past year at the Social
Welfare Institute & for the procedures that are in place to assure a thorough & professional process. As
with a biological birth – there are expenses involved. Much of it goes to paperwork: government application fees,
notarization, certification, authentication, fingerprints, home study, passports, visas, FedEx & travel expenses
to China for 10 days for the 2 of us. There is a direct donation of $3000 to our daughter’s orphanage. It is a well run, predictable process & there are many hardworking people employed on both ends
to ensure that the children are well cared for, & the process runs as smoothly as possible. Some of the fees go towards
paying wages to the people involved & the donations to the orphanages have made a noticeable difference not only
in the care provided to the children that are adopted but to the many that are left behind. For those of you seriously interested
in adopting – the average cost is roughly $18,000 and there is an income tax credit for up to $10,000 available to help
offset some of the financial burden.
There
are also grants available that will help people who do not have an extra 18 grand just lying around the house.
“Why don’t’ you have kids of your own?”
She
will be our own.
“So, you must not have been able to have biological kids?”
We
decided not to try - it would have required a reversal. Also, after taking care of 2 children that were not ours
for the better part of 2 years, it opened Dion's eyes to the fact that a child does not have to be yours biologically to be
loved with all of your heart.
How many children are adopted each year form China?
2003:
6,859
2002:
5,053
1992
: 206
96%
Female
47%
under 1 year of age
51%
1 – 4 years of age
Age/Gender of Children Adopted From China in 2001
Source: INS Immigration Statistics
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